Habis?

Seperti bumi yang dihantam komet

Kau biarkan atapmu terbuka.

Tapi bukan terangnya bintang dan bebasnya jiwamu

Cuma kengerian menuju akhir yang terlihat.

Kau bilang ini untuk yang terpenting, yang terlindung,

Nyatanya..kau selalu gagal melakukannya..

Menunda..berhalusinasi..hingga hilang akal..

Yang tersisa hanya kegilaan yang berulang,

Yang tersisa, hanya apologi dan resiko, 

Kau ingin menangis dan dipeluk,

Berkesah tanpa prasangka.

“imanmu” terus-menerus menguji dengan pertanyaan

Sejauh mana? Sampai kapan?

Bahkan berhenti juga butuh keberanian.

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Mau Banyak bukan Banyak Mau: Resolusi adalah Janji

Jadi,  sudah berapa resolusi yang kamu langgar di 2022? 😄 seingetku resolusi nomer satuku adalah hidup sehat, olahraga dan menurunkan BB, tapi sepertinya matras yoga ga kepake sama sekali dan BB makin entahlah naiknya. Ya..satu janji ke diri sendiri terlanggar. Tapi dalam KBBi, resolusi itu artinya tuntutan kok, jadi ya..seperti tuntutan, kalau ada faktor X-ternal yang sangat kuat yg menggagalkan itu, apa boleh buat 😁. Excuse ya..manusia memang paling jago ngasih excuse..
As a researcher, tahun kemarin udah melebihi ekspektasi. Karena bertemu partner yang tepat, produktivitas dan hasil yang lebih efektif meningkat. As a lecturer, karya mahasiswa lebih banyak, achievement path sudah terbentuk, beberapa dapat prestasi sangat baik bahkan internasional, so I bet for more milestones and networking in 2023. Aamiin.
Motherhood. Tahun kemarin sungguh rollercoaster. Cuma bisa berharap, tahun ini punya lebih banyak waktu untuk 2 putraku, jadi “sekolah utama” mereka.  Meski sudah 4 tahun jadi pendidik pun, masih struggle mengabaikan ego ini itu yang menghabiskan waktu atas nama me time, padahal semua yang aku kerjakan adalah me will 😆 Kenapa masih kurang aja?. Relational pedagogy..excellent teaching and learning..semoga dengan anak2 dan mahasiswa di kampus bisa mewujudkan itu. Aamiin..
Disertasi. Maybe it takes time..and lebih urgent membetulkan boyok yang lelah sebelum menyiapkan camp disertasi di minggu2 awal januari ini. Mungkin satu jurnal next year. Insya Allah.
Perbaikan diri..hmm..sampai sekarang masih belum mendapat impact dari mengubah personality terhadap perubahan lingkungan. Kalau sudah watak orang, susah berubah, i can’t rely on people. I have changed alot, angry and confrontative alot this year. Di akunya, cuma naikin tensi dan lelah fisik dan mental. Jadi kenapa repot? 2023 ini..i want others do to me in every relationship. Duduk tenang dan do my own stuff. Kalau ga tahan lihat mereka, i can simply read my book or listen to my fave music.
Jadi 5 resolusi sudah cukup
..tidak banyak mau, meski mau banyak disitu. Ekspektasi sejalan realitas, mungkinkah karena sudah menua jadi tidak disruptive? Hehe..i can’t mention one, hanya berharap keajaiban memudahkan resolusi yang sudah ada dan memercikkan api untuk resolusi baru yang revolusional untuk hidupku dan manusia lain. Semoga hidup yang kita upayakan, memudahkan kualitas dan nilai hidup orang lain. Aamiin yra.

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Champagne Supernova

Selamat ulang tahun jiwa yang lelah berlari. Kata budayamu, berlari tidak akan membawamu kemana-kemana. Egoisme, kepentingan dan masa depan manusia lain akan tetap jadi penjaramu, dan ’emas’ akan jadi obat biusmu. Aku cuma mau bilang, terima kasih sudah tetap waras dan menjalani hidup kebanyakan, Untuk masih berpikir ide-ide untuk menyelesaikan masalah di hidupmu dan orang lain. Untuk masih berpikir membagikan ilmu meski sering diabaikan. Untuk berkelit dari romantisasi sebuah kenangan dan harapan. Untuk sebuah, lilin yang ingin kau tiup kembali sambil menggengam bunga dan STMJ kampung halaman yang sudah lama sekali menjadi angan-angan. Sekarang hidupmu, sepenuhnya hidup para ahjumma dan segala permasalahan sendi dan batinnya.

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Eid 2022

Eid this year is very refreshing. I never feel ‘not so in rush’ likes many Eid before. I do not need to squeeze my limited time only to reach many places in the name of maintaining relationship. Well, I do not think it is bad, I just hate of being so tired of switching from one environment to another, while our mood is not that simple. It must be admitted that the conversation between various heads who don’t really know each other requires patience, though it is an art .

Maybe I have a different perspective on this Eid. I think, we shouldn’t wait for the Eid moment to stay in touch, once we had time, we should be able to work on it. I really think that Eid, because it is a once a year very private moment, it would be convenient if this moment was used more to listen to the voices in the mind that have been ignored in the name of priority. Including my dissertation proposal which I have been working on for the past 3 months. There are some more interesting (or more doable :”) side research, which distracts. Even so, mandatory research also requires attention, energy, and time. While in regular job, workload is bigger along with its responsibilities. Just yesterday I took the time to meet an old friend, and we were talking about life and career. A conversation that I really need, have a helicopter view in seeing what is next in our career. Build an alarm of toxicity, how to solve, adapt, ignore, or consider moving out. Change is a choice, and we always have it.

So far, my arm is staying positive and ignore any unrelevant feelings. I do not think I can handle more than my jobs, I mean other people feelings, arguments, that invested also in that job, and still I do not know whether I am doing the right thing. People think that I am calm (or emotionless?), and yes, it makes me strong and focus, but I also realize that by handle most of things, I sacrifice my family time, and my own. Fixing people is not as easy as fixing machine, and I do not know whether it is an urgent further orientation after this. Cut the ties, can’t I?. It is my biggest challenge of change my introverts (which I thought as my strength) to extravert transformational leader.

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Still with you

I thought it would be better if we met somewhere far and away,
There is only twilight and waves waiting for us.
Our hands are together but not holding,
Silent and pensive counting the long sighs and the empty glass.
I always knew, secretly you were waiting for me.
I always remember you,
In my demanding life,
I can patiently wait for you to say these words: hurts, anger, disgust.
I..always wanted to be free from this feeling,
I..always wanted to stand in front of you with the real me,
The one with red hair and black dress.

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Hungry Ghost

Everyday brings a choice, to practice stress or to practice peace. Seandainya saja hypothalamus bisa kuajak bicara, mungkin saja hari ini terasa lebih baik. Pasti kuajak minum teh sambil kubawa buku harianku mencatat apa yang dia khawatirkan hari ini. Bagaimana bisa ia tega membiarkanku tidur sangat larut hanya karena takut. Semakin hari semakin banyak, semakin tak sanggup amygdalaku menahan gerbang untuk mencegah “hantu-hantu” itu masuk. Terus-menerus berjaga, terus menerus bekerja. Aku benar-benar lelah. Memejamkan mata hanya akan membuat lukaku terasa nyata. Bersujud hanya membuat lututku semakin sakit. Semua ini, karena aku salah memberi makan “mereka”. Apa yang kumakan dan melekat di tubuhku, hanya membuatnya semakin haus dan menolak berjalan bersama. If ever, I only talked about solve my thirsty not about how hard to did that. I ate my feelings, and it did not taste delicious. Maybe..the solution is…fasting. Aku tidak perlu mendorongnya, aku hanya perlu membuatnya keluar dengan sukarela, dań selamanya.

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Drunken stellar

Sometimes, you just can’t handle yourself mocking your existence

Whether it is yesterday, today or tomorrow

You never want it.

You try to live your life

By following what others do and dream

Perhaps, you will find your reason there

Hanging and shining.

Yet you keep staring at the dark sky

Mumbling to supernova seeds

How long, until when,

They keeps growing, bumping and recreating.

Why it is created for being vanished?

Why time never stop to hunt and eat us?

How if we just stop and do nothing?

Skip into the next century.

June 27th, 2021, 1:27 AM.

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empathy crisis

Living in the “dark red zone” makes me questioning about the real face of Indonesian who raging against discrimination, but offending others mindset and way of life in dealing with “new normal”. Hold on, don’t get emotional. I’m pretty sure you won’t offend what I will tell later in this blog if you acknowledge the fact that the infection curves jump and no clue when to go down, in the majority of in this country region, especially in Surabaya UNTIL NOW. when some people get fed up with what the government says and pretend to effectively cope this crisis, they are also some and many people who want to force their mindset and standards about how to deal with the “new normal” when even they never act like “normal “before to handle this crisis. a human with no empathy to other’s mindset who always claimed to be tolerant but dare enough to shout others as coward when practicing completely social distancing. these people were not wearing masks, talking non-sense in group, and spread the understanding that this pandemic crisis is political interest. Don’t confront them about what do they mean with political interest unless you are ready to get frustrated. Because these people even dare to claim his family who died as covid-free, although they were clearly buried by Covid health protocol. I could tell this because I live in one of Surabaya dense-populated sub-district, with the highest rate of Covid-19 patients. Why this was happened? they were despair and imitating their “leaders” who don’t listen to scientists. So many leaders in this country right? don’t ask me about how this emergency of trust happened.

These people start to bully you if you are not coming to your neighbors’ funeral and getting fined about 50,000 rupiahs when you are not attending night patrol, when 2-4 people gather there to have coffee and eat fried bananas in one plate. Will they use masks, face shields and gloves?. One thing is for sure, smokers will chat while smoking to resist drowsiness. It’s normal for them, and they force this mindset on other people who don’t agree with it.

The government has never clearly explained whether it is “new normal”, they are not aware that in crisis period, people needs instruction, because they never experienced this before.  IN THIS COUNTRY, YOU ONLY NEED TO KNOW HOW TO BEHAVING “NEW NORMAL” IN MALL. No guideline for CFD, no guideline for public transporting, no guideline for having community meeting that REPEATEDLY socialized. we should learn from Jacinda Ardern, an excellent communicator and strategic planner to guide you in detail and smart over Facebook live chat.  When, strategic planning failed, communication failed, building empathy crisis among people failed. what will you expect from this country unless you maintain your “bubble” stronger, your health protocols, your toughness with these hypocrite people, and your survival kits to deal with any uncertainty including the economy, education sustainability, and most importantly , how about meeting Covid in front of your nose. Quoting what Jacinda always socializes, “be kind, stay at home”, and pretend that “we already have Covid”, allows us to empathize, keep social distancing, keep sanitizing and protect the lives of others.

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Kim Ji Young, 1982

If not because of his husband support, Marie Curie never be Marie Curie, Elinor Ostrom never be Elinor Ostrom. And we all suffered to become uncivilized human without all these intellectual woman’s great works. Our future is brighter, if this world allows woman to do good things in her life, aside of being wife or mother. A woman, a mother needs a space, to breath, to take a proper nap, to take a bath, to actualize her passion, to have little happines that makes her smile, to express her disagreement or even her anger. Why mother can’t feel sad? Why mother can’t angry? Her smile is not something you can force, dichotomize, standardize. Let her grows, gives her opportunity, then you can always rely on her.

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Le Miserables

Empathy. does not only belong to the rich. When the rich share photos of their favourite home-cooking dishes, netizens leave a comment, “you should save the photos and not have to share it in your social media in this mean time”. Sigh*.What a selfish statement. How can you force others to act however you want in the name of empathy? This is funny. You even never know how much money the rich give to others so solve this malaise. Nowadays, many people are proud to be pitied, even certain professions asking for cash stimulus about 100 thousand per day = 3 million per month. You all forget that this country owes a thousand trillion more? we all suffered…hand in hand to work together to survive is better than burdened others. Why? our consumptive or unplanned action  in the past unable to anticipate this misfortune? Short-sighted, short-term minded, living for today. Before this malaise stroke us, many stories about how a husband struggle to feed their family. He is the only breadwinner while his wife is being stay at home mother. However hard to survive in this patterned roles, they never changed. How long people sustain this common culture if they could’t afford their life?why they can’t work together, even bring their son to work?. This malaise awakens us. Human is the weakest creature when they never address opportunities surround them. Fail to anticipate without no contingency plan. Human is busy to exploit, without balance. Human is too busy prejudicing others, without consider that no one could ever predict misfortuness. Team up. That’s what human or family should do. Then there will no regret when they facing any good or bad condition. May we quickly wake up from this nightmare.

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